As if we needed any more evidence of the bizarro world we live in, may I humbly submit the following headline seen on the news wire today:
“Former Lufkin man accused of tree poisoning attacked”
Now, that may look a bit confusing, so let me explain (you can read the whole story here and get some more background here)…
A tree murderer. Even worse, an Alabama fan.
First, Auburn and Alabama are fierce rivals.
Second, the Lufkin man is an Alabama fan, 62-year-old Harvey Almorn Updyke.
Third, the trees he poisoned just happen to be some sort of sacred trees at Toomer’s Corner in Auburn.
Fourth, Auburn fans live in Auburn.
Fifth, the courthouse where the Alabama fan went to enter his plea on the tree poisoning was less than 8 miles from Auburn.
Sixth, Updyke, and Alabama fan behind enemy lines near Auburn, stopped for gas.
Seventh, an “unknown assailant” hit Updyke in the head.
Things we can learn from this
One, we take sports WAY too seriously.
Two, Auburn fans must be really good at using social media, which is probably how they spread the word that the anti-Christ was in court a few miles away. Twitter updates probably went something like this:
- Heard idiot n town. Watch 4 updates.
- Losr n court.
- Stll w8ting. Should b soon.
- Over. He is n his car leaving.
- Pulling n 2 gas station.
- Bulls-eye!
Three, at least one Alabama fan is stupid, or at least very sure of himself.
Four, the unknown assailant is quick, and apparently very accurate, because he delivered a perfect blow and didn’t get caught.
Five, if it was Cam Newton, the Carolina Panthers should definitely take him with the number one pick in the 2011 NFL Draft. Jimmy Clausen probably would have missed.
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In the spirit of Easter Week (and Passover) allow me to say this about Harvey Updyke: He had it comin’.