I heard John Ortberg tell about a time that Dallas Willard was teaching a class, and at the end of the class period, a student who disagreed with Willard asked a question trying to expose what he perceived to be an error in Willard’s lecture. According to Ortberg, the student made a mess of things in the asking, and clearly needed to be set straight. As Willard prepared to respond, the rest of the class leaned in, hoping to learn from the teacher how to handle those dumb questions we’ve all been told don’t exist, but actually do.
But to their amazement, Dallas Willard simply said that he thought that was a good place to end the discussion.
Ortberg approached Willard, perplexed about why he had responded that way. Willard simply said, “I’m practicing the discipline of not having to have the last word.”
Ever since I heard that story, I’ve become increasingly aware of how often we — myself included — position ourselves to have the last word on, well, everything.
Pay attention the next time you’re in a discussion about politics, faith, the best movies, or just the weather, and someone says something you think is wrong, or simply makes a point you don’t agree with. What you’ll find is that it’s a lot easier to correct them than it is to say nothing.
Are there times when we need to have the last word? Certainly. If your loved one walks toward the car and yells out, “I’m gonna drive over a cliff to test the strength of the airbags,” then you should probably say something.
But more times than not, having the last word is about either staying in control of the conversation, or staying in a position of power in the relationship. In my line of work as a pastor, I frequently see this in people who are gifted to teach (and yes, I’m one of those). Want to have some fun? Watch a teacher try not to teach!
Think about it: if I always think that I’ve got something to add, then I may have forgotten that I always have something to learn. Humility allows others to have the last word; pride tells me that they need me to make sure they understand everything before we end the conversation.
If I always think that I’ve got something to add, then I may have forgotten that I always have something to learn. Share on XWhich brings us to another simple, but challenging, point: if I always need to have the last word so that I can correct, teach, or explain, then perhaps I’ve forgotten that many things we talk about will never be fully embraced, understood, or explained, especially when it comes to God?
Do I want every conversation to paint me as the teacher, or as a student?
So, pray a risky prayer and ask the Lord to help you practice not having the last word. And trust me when I tell you that once you do, you’ll find yourself in plenty of situations where that prayer will be tested.
When those moments come, zip it, and don’t take the bait when everything gets really quiet. Just thank the Lord for giving you the opportunity to practice one of those other disciplines: silence.
